


In Hindsight

by burymeinziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 05:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burymeinziam/pseuds/burymeinziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It sucks because, in hindsight, it’s always been Zayn and Liam hates that he’s realizing all of this so late and he can’t help but to feel bad because Zayn has always known; he’s always been so sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Hindsight

“Happy Birthday,” He says stretching as he hops onto the countertop.

It’s heartbreaking, really, the way Liam smiles at him in the easiest way he can manage. Danielle is out running errands and he and Zayn are alone in his kitchen which feels so very large and yet so very empty as he pours himself a cup of coffee. When he really thinks about it, Liam feels old; he’s twenty-seven for Christ’s Sake, and he can’t seem to figure out how the time seemed to pass him by so quickly.

Zayn is flipping through a magazine, his legs swinging over the countertop. Liam can’t deny the fact that he’s just as breathtakingly beautiful as ever with his boyish features and bright brown eyes that never seem to age. Zayn never grew older in Liam’s eyes; he always has been and always will be that boy with cold fingers and warm, questioning kisses. Even after all these years, Liam has never been able to let that go.

Zayn had told him he’d leave the group; run away with him and leave everything behind. They could adopt a couple of kids and quit their lives on stage; let it all fall apart. But it was Liam who walked away. It was Liam who placed his lips on hers; had kids and started a new life.

Eventually, Zayn moved on as well. He found a girl and settled down in an apartment out in the city. They didn’t get married or have kids, but Liam could tell that Zayn was happy. He smiled and laughed more than he used to.

But then Zayn would look at his girlfriend with eyes that, once upon a time, belonged to Liam and the older boy would feel a rush of loss and jealousy coursing through his veins and he’d find himself wondering what things would have been like.

Sometimes he wonders if it could have worked; if it really was as easy as leaving the band and starting a life together. Liam wonders if he and Zayn would have been happy living in a house with two kids, maybe a dog to add to the domesticity of it all. Sometimes Liam can see himself coming home and spending nights cuddled up on the couch with Zayn while some sitcom neither of them are really watching plays on TV. He can see them sending the kids off to college, growing old, living life.

Liam can see it all and it hurts because he can only wish that things were so simple. 

Deep down, he knows he isn’t the only one that’s still in love with the idea of an “us” when the nights are quiet and neither of them can fall into the comforting embrace of a good night’s sleep. Liam knows – he can feel it in his gut – that Zayn lies awake in bed wishing things had turned out differently.

But Liam also knows he was the one to cast the last stone – It’s over, Zayn. It’s over – and he stopped their love from ever growing. He’d cut the flower before it ever had the chance to bloom

Liam looks up over the rim of his mug and smiles as he takes a sip. “Thanks.”

It’s quiet as he stands before Zayn, their eyes locked, and Liam wonders if Zayn is thinking the same thing he is; if he asks himself the same questions. He’s about to break down and ask when Zayn tosses the magazine he’d been reading to the side and hops down from where he’d been sitting on the counter.

“Hang on a minute.” His smile is wide and hopeful as he looks to Liam. “I have something for you.”

Liam starts to protest but Zayn is already walking past him and down the hallway toward the guest bedroom he and his girlfriend have been staying in for the past few days while they were visiting. He reappears a few moments later holding three spiral bound notebooks in his arms.

“I uh…” Zayn places the notebooks on the counter and rubs at the back of his neck, suddenly nervous. “I was never really sure if I should give you these or not. I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate or not considering well… yeah.” His cheeks are a bright pink now and Liam can’t even remember the last time he’s seen Zayn so nervous. “I just thought it would be a cool gift, you know? Like a trip down memory lane or something.”

Liam doesn’t respond as he steps toward the counter and takes a good look at the notebooks for the first time in years. They’re old, the pages thin and creased with every line filled with messages he and Zayn had written to one another. He finds himself laughing softly to himself as he pictures himself and Zayn, both barely hitting twenty and writing notes to each other like school children. It had continued up until Liam turned twenty-five and he broke things off with Zayn for good. He did miss it though, having those notebooks; having that one thing that was just him and Zayn.

Everything is there now though, right in front of him, and it’s all the same as he remembers it. He looks at the handwriting and smiles as he observes Zayn’s slightly sloppy and filled with whatever emotion he had been feeling at the time. And then there’s his own, planned and deliberate, each word careful in its creation.

Liam picks up the last book he remembered writing in and flips through the pages searching for the last entry and is surprised to find that it had been written the day before. He looks up at Zayn, confused, before flipping backwards through the pages as the sudden realization that Zayn had never stopped writing suddenly dawns on him.

Every page is a heartbreak, every line a question of Zayn’s own self-worth; a question of why.

Liam sets the book down with shaky hands as Zayn folds his own arms across his chest, scared and slightly defensive. “Liam, I – I was just trying to…”

Liam holds up a hand as he feels his eyes well up. All of the sudden he feels older than time, older than he should feel at the ripe age of twenty-seven; like he’s been alive for way too long. He feels so very old, but immature and naïve all at the same time. It feels as if he’d made the wrong decision when he’d chosen to leave Zayn behind. Everything would have been different if he hadn’t been so scared.

Without a word Liam opens his arms and, as if it were second nature, Zayn lets out a sigh of relief and steps into his all too familiar embrace. Liam can feel Zayn tuck his head into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent of body wash and coffee, as his arms wrap themselves around his waist.

They hold each other for a long time. There is no kiss, no passionate reunion sex. They don’t run away together; away from the mess of old fans and critics and wives and family. There is simply no room for any of that. Only a warm embrace that reminds them both that they are still there and they still care.

Liam’s silent tears fall into Zayn’s hair, tucked safely under his chin as he rubs soothing circles into his back. It sucks because, in hindsight, it’s always been Zayn and Liam hates that he’s realizing all of this so late and he can’t help but to feel bad because Zayn has always known; he’s always been so sure.

He wants to do more; to tell Zayn that maybe they can run away. Maybe they can pack their bags and go live out in the country somewhere. They could adopt a few kids. They could be happy. But Liam can’t do that because life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t quick fixes and childish dreams.

All Liam can do is pull Zayn a little closer and cry silently into his hair reveling in the fact that he smells just the same as he always has; feels just as safe. All he can do is find a bitter sense of comfort in the fact that Zayn still loves him in that way only he knows Liam needs to be loved.


End file.
